I’ve now celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays without my mom. No “Happy Birthday” greeting, brought a certain melancholy to the milestone. Now I brace myself for Mother’s Day.

Mother’s Day 2014 was a painful blessing. My mom had been struggling with her health for some time and the toll it was taking on her was becoming more apparent. Every holiday or special occasion brought with it a certain finality that this would be the last time we would all be together.

The kids, the grandkids, the great-grandkids, and her sisters showed up this Mother’s Day to truly celebrate mom – to honor her with our presence, to tell her how much she was loved, and in some ways, to say our goodbyes.

They say that the camera doesn’t lie, but sometimes it allows us to push back the cares of this world so that we can smile on cue.  On the count of three…there was no smile from mom, only a wistful look-away as if thinking of some other time, some other place, perhaps when life was not so complicated, so difficult.

Mom would take her final breath 8 weeks later.

In the days following, I sifted through countless photos of mom, each telling parts of an otherwise incomplete story.

There is this vintage shot of a confident young woman, hands on hips, showing scandalous amounts of leg.  

The glamorous engagement photo with sultry eyes and hollywood starlet looks.

 

The young mother of three troublesome boys who would tempt fate one more time, 7 years after me, to get the baby girl she always wanted. 

The loving sister to eight siblings, who adored her. 

The passionate adventurer.

The cherished grandmother, great grandmother and mother-in-law.

The devoted, loyal, faithful wife.

The fearless fighter.

My first love, my last mother’s day

Looking back on that day, I’m so very grateful to have been there… really there, fully aware, fully present, holding onto each moment as if I’d never get it back…knowing I’d never get it back.

My heart aches for all the heavy souls, this Mother’s Day. Some mourn, as I do, the loss of an unconditional love and kindred spirit that is incomparable. Others mourn for the person that never was – the mother they always longed for, but never received.

The life lesson is the same for both of us – to cherish the life we have been given, to be thankful for the people who love us, to forgive the people who have hurt us, to be courageous and humble, zealous but wise, open hearted but protective.

These are the attributes that my mom embodied and tried to instill in me. These are the attributes that the mother of my daughters have beautifully instilled in them.

This photo journey helps chronicle the story of the mom I knew, but also reveals the existence of a story about the mom I didn’t know. Mom was content to live in the shadow of others, never seeking the stage, the attention, or the glare of the spotlight. She raised four kids of her own and invested her life in hundreds of others as a career-long preschool teacher. She was the epicenter of every family gathering, yet never the center of attention. She could easily get lost in a room of people, but her absence looms forever large on those same gatherings.

As is often the case though, I waited too long to ask her the questions that I long to hear answered now. If I could roll back time, I would sit with her on a beach somewhere, with our toes in the sand, and I would ask her about her life, and I would be quiet and listen to her speak…  What was it like growing up as one of nine kids? What were Christmas’s like? What did you want to be when you grew up? When you put on those short-shorts, and put your hands on your hips, did you feel invincible? Was your wedding day magical? Did you really want four kids? What went through your mind when the doctor handed you baby boys that you named John Porter, Mark Lynn, and Phillip Amory. How pleased were you when the doctor said, “it’s a girl”, and you blessed Amy Loreen with your own name. How hard was it to raise four kids almost single handedly, while your husband worked two jobs to keep food on the table? I’ve got a thousand more, including new ones like –  Did grandma fly with you into everlasting? What’s heaven really like? Is Jesus totally amazing, and does he really speak the King’s English?

One day, when jobs and deadlines and obligations are no longer an excuse, I’ll take eternity to discover the mom I never knew. For now, I’m forever thankful for the mom who knew me.