Marriage

A Marriage Celebration, and the Gift of Now

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A couple of weeks ago, Jackie and I were in Lynchburg, visiting with her mother Myrtle, who is now in a memory care facility. This place, these people, the service they give and the comfort they provide, have been a blessing to the family. The journey to this point has been a lifetime of conflict, estranged relationships, and bitterness, sprinkled sparingly with a dose of calm and even joy.

Like all of us, Myrtle was shaped by the environment she was raised in as well as the cultural norms of her day. She was a precocious child of high IQ, skipping entire grade levels, and questioning authority, while trying to avoid being a misfit. As a young adult she was on the forefront of computer programming for the banking industry, shattering glass ceilings in an industry ruled by the good ole’ boys. She was a strong but troubled intellectual, living and operating in a man’s world. I was fifteen when I met Myrtle. By then, she was showing signs of mental illness which had no name and no treatment. She was on her third marriage and had learned to distrust, if not loathe all men. I was dating her baby girl, the only child from husband two, and I became the very embodiment of the sins of men everywhere. She and I have maintained that love/hate relationship for 40 years.

Myrtle has dementia now, and it has rapidly robbed her the recall of a great portion of her past. It is an amazing thing to witness someone being totally present – with no other choice, since the past has been obliterated and the future cannot be fathomed. I walk into her room and she embraces me while holding my body tight to hers. She cannot make her lips form my name but she knows me. We sit and converse as best we can – like a Drew Barrymore scene from ’50 First Dates’ – our smalltalk questions and answers on an endless repetitive loop. “I’m so happy you guys came to visit – Phil your hair seems shorter than the last time I saw you. I’m so happy you guys came to visit – Phil your hair looks shorter than usual to me. I’m so happy you guys came…”

I have come to learn that many of our societal and individual ills are a result of our inability to be present. We spend so much time reliving our past, either our bygone glory or our painful mistakes – and so much time in the future, worrying about things that may or may not ever happen, that we miss the beauty and power of the now. I have often thought, what a gift it would be if we could take the magic pill that would make us forget our collective past. I was wrong. Myrtle has taught me that the present without the context of the past and a future without perspective, is a curse.
Being fully present is the ability to observe our past without judgement, for it is merely the vehicle that has brought us to this moment. Presence is the further understanding that the Now is the only time we have available to us, and the future is simply the next moment, and the next moment, and the next moment…
Myrtle has uncovered the reality that my present moment is cold and void without the collective moments of my past which provide a foundation for my future.

Today, Jackie and I are celebrating our 35th wedding anniversary. 35 years of commitment, 420 months of faithfulness, 12,775 days of perseverance, 306,600 hours of passionate love, compassionate forgiveness, and eternal oneness. Our very best times are when we are fully present with each other – our bodies, our thoughts, our love, all in a timeless rhythm that matches the cadence of our intertwined hearts. However, the magic of the present is in the collective moments of our past – that moment when our hands first touched, when our lips first lingered, when I couldn’t wait to hear her voice again, when we saw our first movie together, when we went to our first concert with friends, when I sang to her over the phone, when I broke up with her, when I ran back to her, when I got down on one knee, when she said ‘I do’, when she delivered our babies, when we had trouble making ends meet, when we were discouraged, when we were angry, when we came through, when our kids got married, when we cried over death, when we were scared, when all we could do was hold on to each other, and then when we danced. These are the moments in time that created my present moment, and I pray that they are never ripped from my knowing. My past informs my future and lets me know that I need not worry. We have already lived through joy and sorrow, tragedy and celebration, abundance and need, and have learned that our love from within and without sustains us.

The greatest gift to be offered today is our thankfulness – for each other, for our tribe, for those who entered our life for a time and left, for those who have walked life with us forever, for those we only happen upon, and those we will never meet. Let’s be thankful for our past and the hope it provides for our future – and join with me in gratitude for our Now.

Happy anniversary my love, and cheers to those who may encounter us in our Happily Ever Now.

May we all live large, and love much!

 

 

The Christening

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The late Jimmy V said: To me, there are three things we all should do every day. We should do this every day of our lives. Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. Number three is you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy. But think about it. If you laugh, you think and you cry, that’s a full day. That’s a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, you’re going to have something special.

screen-shot-2016-09-21-at-8-09-37-amThis past Saturday I was honored to preside over the Christening of my granddaughter, Kinslee Blair Watters. It was a day full of laughter, thoughts about the future, and lots of joyful tears.

My daughter and her husband collaborated to write a moving poem for their daughter, that personified the sentiment of the day.

 

Mommy and Daddy decided to have a baby, Daddy wanted a boy, Mommy wanted a little lady. 
Soon we had gone on countless Doctor trips and saw ultrasounds of you without fingertips.
Finally, one revealed what we’re bringing into this world – a perfect, beautiful, baby girl.
June 23rd was the date they set but that was a day that wouldn’t be met.
Your schedule was busy; it would have been a bother, so daddy had to wait to become a father.
So June 28th the doctor said was the day, Mommy and Daddy sat in the hospital afraid, but we knew this would be the best decision we ever made 
Everything would be fine, it would go according to plan – daddy sat there nervous, holding onto mommy’s hand.
And as the hours passed, and the contractions grew stronger mommy and daddy thought “this couldn’t go on too much longer”.
As mommy fought through the pain, and the contractions seemed steady, all of a sudden, you decided you were ready.
Your mom was so brave, you would have been so proud – daddy could only hold her hand, and help her practice breathing out loud.
And then at 8:29 you were born, truly a gift from above, and made both of us realize how much a heart could truly love
Soon we got you home, where we could look at you and cuddle, and every time you’d smile our hearts would melt into a puddle.
We just couldn’t get enough of our precious baby girl, the center of our universe, our everything, our world.
Everyone said “cherish each moment, time will fly by” now 11 weeks have gone by in the blink of an eye.
From sleeping all day, to looking at what’s all around, you’ve gone from laying on your back, to rolling over on the ground.
When we make silly faces, you give a precious gum filled smile, then coo, and ahh, and talk for a while. You’ve filled us with joy, and we’re excited for what’s to come – from going to daycare, to growing into the woman you’ll become.

As you grow up and experience the world around you, our hopes and wishes for you will help keep you grounded through life. Keep your innocence and happiness, those will serve you well in life. Let your personality shine, as it will brighten any room you’re in. Keep a kind heart, and an infectious personality. Love those around you, and give them reason to love you back. 

Always give your all at everything you do, and don’t be afraid to reach for the stars. Never let anyone tell you that you can’t do anything, Know that with God all things are possible, and he will see you through it. We hope that you love life and live loved, because you know you are loved by everyone here today. Most importantly, we hope you never lose sight of who you are.

We are so incredibly blessed that God brought you into our lives, you are the greatest gift we could ever receive. Our final wish is that you will always remember that we will always love you, and you will always be our precious baby girl, our everything, our world. Mommy and Daddy love you.

 

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Aunt Amanda Blair with Proud Parents Trenton & Lauren holding Kinslee Blair, wearing the gown made for her Great-Great-Grandmother 111 years ago.

 

To have and to hold…

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On Saturday July 23rd, 1983 I anxiously repeated the following words:

I, Phillip, take you Jackie, to be my lawfully wedded  wife, to have and to hold, for better or for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.

I didn’t understand the full weight of what I was committing to that day, but I said those words with surety and boldness. Thirty years later my mind plays back the movie of our life together and I recall the moments of “for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health”…

A lot of very memorable things happened in 1983!

  It is the renaissance of bad Pop Music.

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 The Chicken McNugget is introduced, and family dinner is forever changed.

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 Flashdance and torn sweatshirts are a hit.

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And Ronald Reagan (Ronaldus Magnus) is our President.

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A lifetime of 30 years ago –  A beautiful and naive 18 year old girl marries a very fortunate 20 year old guy, who gladly accepts the premise that love is blind.

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Jackie and I had attended the same school since we were toddlers, but we officially met and began to “talk” when Jackie was an 8th grader and I was in 10th.  We were engaged the Christmas of Jackie’s Junior year. Call it serendipity, fate or providence… I don’t understand entirely how two kids like us from completely different circles found each other at a private school in Lynchburg, Virginia. It was lust at first sight for me, but God had something bigger in mind for us, something at the molecular level, that attracted and bonded. Jackie had just graduated high school, and I had just completed my Sophomore year of college, when we married. No doubt you hear the strumming of Dueling Banjos, as you conjure up images of a backwoods shotgun wedding in the hills of Virginia. But it wasn’t like that…seriously.

Jackie was an assistant manager at a trendy women’s retail store at the mall and worked crazy hours. I went to Lynchburg College during the day and worked a second-shift job at night. On evenings that she wasn’t working, I would go home for my “dinner break” to find an amazing home cooked meal. Her excellent cooking skills fattened me up quickly. While I was at work she would type my school papers for me on an old electric typewriter that shook the house when plugged in. I never asked her to do any of those things that made my life so much better, she just did them. Toughing out those first couple of years cemented our love for each other in ways that would serve us well over the course of time.

girlsTo say that I have been blessed is an understatement. I look back on these 30 years and shake my head in wonder. Our proudest accomplishments are our two amazing daughters who are such a crazy DNA cocktail of Jackie and I. Amanda and Lauren will still catch me in a kiss or a hug with their mom that is a bit too much public display of affection, and their eyes will roll and the mock disdain will pour forth… but in my heart I wish for them to experience from their husband this same feeling I have for their mom. And if my daughters can love their husband with the devotion, and loyalty and passion that has been modeled for them by their mom, then I don’t worry for these relationships.

To be blessed is not to be removed from the pain and suffering that comes with being in this physical world. We’ve had our share of struggles and adversity but my memories don’t linger there. Rather, I smile reflecting on those evenings now, when Jackie and I take a glass of wine out onto the patio after dinner and talk, and laugh, and reminisce and laugh some more. 

me 2I’d like to think that is what is meant by “to have and to hold” – Having and holding on tightly to each other, along with every moment and every memory that will define who we will be as a couple.  It’s been said that the whole is greater than the sum of it’s parts. There is no greater example of this truth than my marriage to Jackie. My goal is to be coherent enough to report back 30 years from now on how things are at our 60th anniversary. Lord willing, I’ll still be making my kids roll their eyes.